I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
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Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
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I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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