Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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