I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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