His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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