OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
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Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
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