Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
not ubering you a puppy
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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