Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
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Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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