if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize