You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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