Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
People in love make me want to vomit
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Randomize