that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
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He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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