he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
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First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
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I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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