My cat gives me a boner
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
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I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
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Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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