Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
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Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
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He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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