i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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