Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
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It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
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A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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