OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize