When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I need moral support for this bender
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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