You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
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I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
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I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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