The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
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She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
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We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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