you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
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i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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