I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
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After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
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LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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