i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
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Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ππ#pensacolaproblems
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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