sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
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I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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