I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
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Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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