ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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