I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
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I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
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I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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