So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
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Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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