If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
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He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
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HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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