you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
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So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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