I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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