The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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