So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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