I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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