She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
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Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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