remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
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IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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