Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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