He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
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I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
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I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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