alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
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Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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