We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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