Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
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She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
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thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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