i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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