So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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