my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
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Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
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I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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