U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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