With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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