My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize