the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
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He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize