I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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