jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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